I want to leave - what do I do?
Be aware your decision will swing day by day and just allow the thought process to work its way. There will be an incident however that will push you (mentally or physically) where it will be clear to you in that instance that you are going to leave.
Mine was one day, two weeks after the ‘I vow to change’ conversation. I had a tinge of hope when he was so confident he would change, how he didn’t want to loose us all, as it had been the conversation that I was at a crossroads and wanted to leave. That I felt utterly at the end of what I could endure, that my quality of life was so low. That my eldest children were so uncomfortable, so tense and sad. He was convincing, maybe he believed he could change too, I don’t know.
Anyway, things began to slip. Two weeks later he came home from work and my little 4 year old had eaten her tea and had a little bit round her face. Every night there would be tea ready on the table, and he said, ‘her face is dirty’ and I replied, mid serving, ‘Oh, its bath night tonight so she’ll be sorted’ sort of cap in hand as always. He looked at me straight and cold and said ‘you’re so unmotivated.’ Thats when I knew he couldn’t change. There is a course called ‘The Freedom Project’. Men and women can attend who are abusive to change their behaviour and to help victims recognised when they are being controlled. It’s excellent, but you have to lead the horse to water. As you may have read in the previous post the mindset typical abusers have are not conducive to accepting they have a problem.
Anyway, so.. that was my moment. From there it felt like I had to put things in place. At that time he had full control of my phone and frequently checked it. I could have put another passcode on, however bear in mind the fog that grows that becomes part of everyday life when you mind has so much to manage in survival mode. My memory had began to be quite bad. I knew I could easily be locked out of it by forgetting the new code. Besides, it would be a question of why I had changed it..why was I ‘keeping secrets’.
I think without the support of my sister Rachel and family who helped so much with the practical side it would have been far more difficult. So how do you leave?
Ring that National Domestic Abuse Helpline. 08082000 247. Don’t feel like if you don’t have any bruises your reasons for ringing aren’t valid, or that you’ll be judged as I did. I was so nervous about ringing I’d often hang up mid dial.
These are the people that can give really sound advice. This is part you have to be logical and focused which isn’t easy with the brain fog. They’ll talk you through the process and any legal housing issues. I could have got my ex removed from the jointly owned property. I was worried at the time that he would still have a key, and it didn’t feel so safe. I wanted to get away, and the children away. I know now, it would have been sensible to maybe seek legal advice as if you leave the property it’s a longer process. Most solicitors have a free 30 min consultation. Remember knowledge is power. For example, the house I jointly own, I have solicitors who after 2 years are now in the process of seeking a court date to get the house a forced sale as he has not cooperated. Yes, it’s very frustrating seeing him alone in the big family home, and not keeping it in good condition.
So, start to think about what items have sentimental value as you may well struggle to get these back. Start to slowly pack, maybe camouflage it as having a spring clean. Place the box in one of the kids room, garage etc. Yes, you will unfortunately have to adopt a careful calculating attitude - self preservation. These people you’re dealing with are masters of manipulation. Think about what items you’d rescue if there was a fire.
Next after you’ve packed in my case, first baby grows, letters from my Mum, artwork the children did early on, look at legal things.
Take any photos of pension statements, Tax documents and file them in a new tab away from your main photos.
Take passports, mortgage statements, birth certificates, proof of address, proof of NI, proof of residency and benefits. Make copies of house keys - especially if you jointly own the property. Make sure you know who all your utility providers are as you will need to take your name off all these. Get any receipts for large purchases such as vehicles, furniture etc which are classed as assets.
Buy a supermarket food voucher ..if your finances are being monitored this will show up on bank statements in the supermarket you’ve bought it from so it allows you to squirrel money away for the essentials when you’ve left. Bear a mind a benefits claim will take six weeks to set up. In the meantime there are food banks to keep you fed, but it’s maybe not the same food the children are used too, and trying to keep things normal eases things. (You can get a benefits loan, but it takes it off the next month and is easier if you an avoid it)
If you are able a pre-paid card is also a good way to siphon money off your accounts should you need to. Hyperjar or similar require little verification and allow you to build up a flee fund. Refuge recommended withdrawing cash from the original accounts then topping up the prepaid card at the post office with the cash. A singular card is easier to hide than a wad of cash.
When you go, it may be cathartic to be able to voice the reasons you’re leaving. I wrote him a letter, partly because it would save me communicating to him in person so he understood. It would also be useful to explain practically anything like, you’ve cancelled any direct debits in your name and these will need reinstating etc. It all saves you communicating with him.
After those two jobs, be logical. I knew I needed to go before the six weeks school holiday or I’d be waiting till September. I was also turning forty in two weeks and for me it was a deadline that I couldn’t start my forties trapped. Pick a date when he is gone all day long. You could really do with some help packing when you choose to leave/flee. I was lucky I had three cars I could fill with my family helping, it felt like D Day. I knew it was coming but didn’t have an exact date in my mind. The children looked so so unhappy one morning before school, something just shifted and I know it was just fear stopping me which I didn’t want to be controlled with. I just said to them, shall we leave today? Relief from them followed. We all went into task mode and started the process. I came upstairs to find Leo on his bed who was 8 ish told me that sometimes he had felt that he didn’t really want to be around anymore. It felt chilling and heartbreaking. I was so relieved he wouldn’t be feeling that way anymore and I would keep him so safe from that point on. He had never said anything like that before.
I knew there was a kitchen we could use when we arrived but had no idea what it was equipped with. You will get a kitchen that has the basics. Be mindful its a charity, things may be a little tired. Having things like the plates the kids are used to, it alls helps things feel more homey as this obviously is a huge change.
I was glad I packed:
Tea towels
Dishcloth
Washing up liquid
Washing powder
Kitchen knives
A meal for the next two days - tins, milk, cereal, bread, quick meal for the kids.
Oil, seasonings.
Some crockery
Anything you use frequently like my favourite grater/favourite mug/s.
Don’t forget some Christmas decorations. Some are so sentimental - even though its July you’ll be glad you remembered in December.
Wish I’d taken
Cutlery for us - there wasn’t really enough in our flat.
My little weighing scales
Cake tin - I wanted the smell of a baked cake to feel like home
Kindles loaded with downloaded films. The buildings wifi was very patchy. Your kids, and you will want to switch off. There is one shared TV - if the wifi works.
A little bedside lamp. It all creates a snug feel which you desperately want to create for the children.
Blue tac to put up photos and pictures.
I had also upped my Citalopram dose by 20ml to 60ml (anti anxiety and depression medication) which was very helpful as it helped to blur the whole thing.
Obviously as much of the kids and your clothes as you practically can.
Favourite teddies/board game. (Remember the wifi is patchy)
Colouring in was good mindful thing to take, plus felt tips.
Toothbrushes
Favourite bedding. Refuge gives you bedding but your own feels more like home.
Towels were a little in short supply - take plenty.
Favorite pillow.
Our flat had a hairdryer but no all do.
Favourite books.
Notepad & pen you will have a lot of admin in the first few weeks.
Phone charger.
Clothes rack / maiden - the thing you put wet washing on! You will need this as a must have.
You will probably have a big headache the day you leave so have some paracetamol to hand.
No drugs or alcohol allowed
No candles (fire risk)
Thats all if you have some time. It makes your life easier if you just put some things in place slowly. If you need to just leave though - the sky won’t fall down if you don’t have everything. Refuge are helpful, people are kind and there are donations if you need a toothbrush or shampoo. There is a washer in every kitchen, and a table. The lounge had two sofas and a little TV. Every flat has a bath and shower and one toilet. It’s underfloor heating which is lovely and so nurturing as you won’t feel chilly. One thing there seemed to be masses of, randomly were period products. No period poverty in refuge.
I think that’s it. You’ll have made this huge step, and now you rest. You absolutely need NEED to block any/all of his/her friends and family and especially him/her on WhatsApp and email because you will be absolutely drained and it will be SO detrimental to your mental health to look at anything till the dust settles in that regard. The staff are there to help you deal with exactly this, listen to them and they will guide you through. Go to sleep and feel the relief that you are warm and safe and things are going to be ok, you are exactly where you need to be.
Well done - you’ll begin to remember who you are soon - and you’ll really like her.
Thank you G for the sensible advice when writing this page - especially as I bothered you on Good Friday (I forgot) . You are one of my very favourite people.
National Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247
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