life four years on

It's getting on for 4 years after we left. So, a reflective post for someone who needs it. 

Life has calmed down - to an extent, co - parenting is still challenging though. He is the only person on the planet who provided the level of difficulty. However, with steps in place such as handovers being in the library in public, waiting in the car to avoid interactions,  you can manage.

Legalities - are a challenge but solicitors are working their way through things and hopefully all ties will be cut soon. 

My children are thriving.  The abuse has left my eldest at nearly 16 is very strong with clear boundaries as to what is acceptable in her world. She's a prefect, she's clever and passionately looks after me and my happiness everyday. 

My son, now thirteen, is a much more bubbly confident version of himself. He's funny and quick-witted and I love parents' evenings where I have teachers telling me how 'he's a credit to you'. Again, they have the knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like for life. My little 7 year old is a magnificent pocket rocket. We have shared care and that has been difficult at times as she hasn't wanted to leave me. I think when you have nursed and been the one that was the main caregiver children tend to naturally want their Mum more - apologies if that statement has ruffled feathers, I'm generalising. I am quite sure if I had stayed  my children would have moved out of home as soon as they possibly could and I wouldn't have the relationship I do with them now.

Relationships with my family - as they say 'we've got Emily back' and I am so so grateful for having them in my life.

What has occurred which has been absolutely lovely is to have met a man.  I once liken being in an abusive relationship to eating out. In a bad relationship it's like going to a restaurant that serves meals slightly cold, lipstick on glasses and staff not so friendly. You order a roast beef dinner and there's not quite enough gravy. It's also quite expensive and a little bit chilly.  How odd it would be to go back week after week to the same restaurant, yet that's what we do when we are caught in that abusive relationship, and it costs us so much. 

Metaphorically I have been eating at a pub for the last year where it's cosy with an open fire. When the roast dinner comes, there's an extra jug of gravy. Its piping hot, so delicious and the staff are so warm and welcoming. It's clean, it's not ridiculously expensive, but affordable. There's such a good view of the fields with the sheep and lambs out of the window. It's relaxed and warm.  You can understand why I keep visiting and never want it close or change hands. 

Aside from my family, who are awesome and the best people in the world, I wasn't fully aware that there were men in the world that were so loving, caring and so decent. I have someone who goes to such efforts to make sure my own happiness is taken care of and asks for nothing in return.

The contrast between being with someone who makes you uncomfortable, on edge, constantly worried, and making sure the children don't get shouted at, worried he will find out that you text your ex partner to remind him of parents evening oh so many things, to just calm, relaxed, with nothing I am on edge for. I am loved just as I am, with quirks (adhd) not just accepted but embraced. 

My life was so sheltered in my abusive relationship that I wasn't aware of what the world held.  Outside of the insuler stressful bubble there are the best people - romantically and platonically that can't wait to meet you. You've maybe just forgotten how utterly fabulous you are. 

Please ring the domestic abuse helpline if anything has resonated - they are brilliant people #leavinganabuser #refuge #womensrefuge #coercivecontrol #domesticabusehelpline #drramani #counselling 

National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeandmalr  if you'd like to say, thank you, I enjoy the blog and here is some change for your time to buy the children some watermelen etc.

PS I really don't think there are any spelling errors. If there are consider yourself superior as I have missed them :)