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A marathon not a sprint

Leaving an abuser


I wanted to write as a warning, no, that sounds ominous. A realistic managing expectations - leaving an abuser is a marathon not a sprint.


I thought at the time when I was contemplating my escape (for a better word) that I would rent a little house, or call it a cottage (to sound charming) that I could live with the children after physically leaving and that would be all sorted like doing the dishes. I can see now I would have not have lasted in that little snow white cottage with that plan alone. And we need that Disney ending. We’ve been too strong leaving without failing at this point.


If you are in an abusive relationship and this is your only plan, please read.


When I got to refuge I was conscience of feeling like I didn’t want to be a pain, or add to the staffs work load. I remember week one saying to my support worker, ‘I’ll get on with looking for somewhere to go’ etc. She talked to me a little slowly to really let it absorb ‘Emily, the council won’t think about rehousing you till you’ve spent some time with us, as they know that without a longer stay with us and our ‘hope to recovery’ programme you won’t be strong enough yet’


They have seen it over and over that you are pretty much guaranteed to return without some time to reflect and learn about the abuse cycle and what type of a person you’re dealing with.


It struck me this was actually from a business point of view, the council know that people can physically leave but need to work through what happened. You are at your most vulnerable when you have just left.  Its not sensible to spend money rehoming people who are just going to most probably go back to an abuser and repeat the cycle.


So, how do I prepare for the marathon that lays ahead? The point where you are very close to leaving.


This is what I did when things were ‘good’ in my marriage and I had clarity of mind. In the height of an abuse cycle you are on survival mode and cannot think clearly how you can leave.


I went to the GP and explained my circumstances. I was on 30mg of citalapram at the time for anxiety and depression. I took these for the first time during my marriage.  I asked to reconsider the dose an yes, it was doubled. Do be transparent with the GP as to why. Knowing its confidential is therapeutic, and also they can signpost you to exactly what or who you may need that you didn’t know you needed..


I came across the best person that explains narcissistic behaviour - Dr Ramani. It was like she knew my husband. It gave me the validation that I wasn’t imagining these things and these behaviours I was dealing with were textbook. Listen to the podcasts, they were a comfort. Knowledge is power.


Don’t be hesitant about ringing the domestic abuse helpline. They understand 0808 2000 247


I would make an appointment at the school with the Head if you have children. If there is disruption and your leaving is imminent making them aware of the circumstances will save you a teary phone call explaining everything when you’re at your most tired and busiest. I thought my discolour to the head would be met with astonishment but, people see more then you realise and my headteacher was well aware. It was another professional source of information and comfort that I didn’t know I needed. Again, its confidential unless your children are at risk.


If its appropriate writing a letter to anyone who you feel needs/deserves an explanation such as in-laws, your partner. When you are rushed and have just left you are at a very busy stage. Your head is full and its another job taken care of as you can compose a letter before you leave thats not rushed and can accurately convey what you need to. It leaves contact to a minimum but you feel you have been polite. I’d suggest blocking anyone you feel nervous of speaking to and put yourself first till you feel stronger.  It feels like you can do that if you’ve written an explanation.




The previous blog talks about the practical aspects more. This was just a mental preparation note. Its partly due as currently I am in court. I’m not allowed to speak about it, but I will say its been very triggering and I feel like I’m back emotionally to when I left. This is why I say its a marathon. Three years later I’m not divorced yet. Solicitors letters can be ignored. Donn’t be shy with womens centres - Chorley has a very supportive centre. When you feel you aren’t alone its very comforting. This is just a personal tip, but consider when you are rehoused getting a dog or a cat. They are so deeply therapeutic.


Using the block function on your phone - and yes I co parent - is essential. This means my littlest may not have the right shoes for school on the odd day. It may mean her reading record is at the wrong house. However the control is minimised, and if it means you are in a happier headspace, can cope better and parent better.   I think it’s worth a forgotten reading record.


You can always set boundaries with communication, for instance, on the first time you have a message that is unnecessarily mean/nasty/critical just state -


This is for communications about the children. That was unnecessary and if it happens again I will block you for 48 hours - please text ……. this number for any emergencies involving  the children’


Then it’s being consistent with making sure your keeping to these boundaries which is so important to avoid these people - who are literally toxic. I’ve a stomach ache just writing this.


It is challenging, but with the right people around you, you can do it.



National Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeandmalr If you enjoy reading the blog and would like to contribute to a whole host of expenses it's much appreciated. I'm taking the children to France camping. Its the first proper holiday and we are beyond excited. It's a ferry and camping and it's a miricle I've made it happen. I think they will need feeding with croissants which will probably cost £2 each - more then once. I also have to drive abroad but, if other people can I'm sure I can. I would have never contemplated doing it alone before. These are the kinds of things that you reaslise you're capable of when you leave.





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