"I can't leave - I have no money" - this ones for you

I heard a story today that made me want to write this post.

It was a women in a horrible marriage, with three children - the full works regarding domestic abuse. The daughter who’s a teenager has started to verbalise to a friend more and more about the abuse. The abuse that the Mum will tell herself they aren’t noticing, with all the will in the world, they are.

Her barrier to leaving is finances. She doesn’t work, well she works - incredibly hard - at making sure dinner has to be in the table at 5pm, that everything is in order and hoping nothing is going to incur any wrath from her husband but he’ll find something because he always does - the stakes get higher.

She has no money, which is what I felt my position was. That’s why I considered camping for the summer, or barge boats which was creative but frankly stupid.

To be very transparent - this is what happens when you leave a partner.

You put in a claim with universal credits. In six weeks you will have, depending on how many children you have *around:

Element	Amount per Month (est.)
Standard UC (single, 25+)	£400
Child 1	£339
Child 2	£292.81
Child 3	£292.81
Estimated Total (before income effects)	£1,325

It varies depending on your savings, other benefits you may receive but this makes leaving a very viable option, this is your freedom, in fact I had has so little money during the course of my marriage this felt like a huge amount. I then got a housing benefit which covered my rent. Can you see what a pathway you have to get out of domestic abuse?

When the finances are controlled, as, is nearly always the case its very odd to suddenly have money that gives you independence.

The ripples after - well huge waves, that comes with domestic abuse means that you are like a rabbit in front of blinding headlights if you are able to leave.  It is a time you need to recover because your mind is completely fully booked, and over worked on every level.  You cannot function, simply talking to people - any people is too much somehow.  Everything is so intimidating and daunting. Thats why refuge is so safe - mentally and physically. You have the safety to start to process.

The thought of working full time in a new job - its not something thats an option at that stage, its impossibly hard, but you have the universal credits to help you while you recover and find yourself. Working would mean masses of anxiety, tears on the job, and most probably a breakdown.  (As a side note - You've been told how ineffective you are as a person constantly so in your mind, your an inconveniece with nothing to offer anyone to everyone providing nothing that an employer would want.) Refuge don’t give you a time limit on how long you stay, in fact, when I went to refuge I felt like a huge inconvenience.  I said to my support worker on the first night that I would find somewhere to live in the next few days. She smiled and said no one will help you get rehoused till you’ve stayed with us for a little while. You’d only be back here without the help of support workers and the hope to recovery course we offer.

So, any financial worries that you are tied, there is no barrier there at all, and I wanted to make it clear to anyone who feels trapped financially. As always, the domestic abuse helpline is there - try to find the courage to ring - its life changing 0808 2000 247

* This is a rough guide. I had no savings, no means to pay any rent at all when I left. Leaving meant leaving my self employed income. Leaving would mean leaving your income if you have access to any.  You get a GP note and you are are long term sick while you recover. When you rememeber what a bright beautiful person you are again, you can then start to look for something you'd enjoy doing, and you'll be great at it.