What to do when you suspect someone is in an abusive relationship?
This is solely coming from my perspective, and everyone is, of course, different. I wanted to explain the complexities from the other side. It's pretty 'wordey'but there's alot to cover..
Before I was in the marriage I was, I would have naturally assumed, I need to see them for a coffee, and there I can launch into “is everything ok, I can’t help but notice..” And they would bite their lip, gaze at the window and say, ‘actually no…” and we could sort out an escape plan. Hurrah, all sorted, so glad we had that coffee, lets eat the cake.
If some good natured soul had done that with me, I would have, 90% of the time, been absolutely horrified and scared. The reason being the fear that they had even vocalised it would send me into an anxious fit. Naturally I would have told my husband where I was going as I couldn’t have had him just find out, as that would lead to questions as to why I ‘wasn’t being open and honest with him.'
On coming back from the coffee, he would have asked what we spoke about , what did she say.... all these questions naturally would need a response that would have to seem normal, nonchalant. I couldn’t have told the truth as then there would be more questions, ‘What have you been saying for her to think that? What did you say?” Why would she think that?’ Etc etc.
Even more anxiety inducing would be how I responded to my friend's concerns. If I told her the truth, the secret would be out. I now have someone who has this truth that threatens to put the fear of God into me in case my husband finds out that I have been ‘disloyal’ Then I would immediately start with awful stomach cramps, but that would just be a side issue as the panic would over ride everything.
Naturally, if you confide in someone they want to help, they want to take action. You don’t know whether to put your faith in another. You don’t know if they will treat your partner differently - being cold, not as chatty. Although it feels satisfying it is creating so much difficulty as then when they leave, there’s the questions to answer, ‘What was wrong with her? Why was she so off with me? What have you spoken about?” These are not just casual chatty questions, these are looking you straight in the eyes and almost testing you. It’s like they know you may not have said exactly what he would have wanted and he is waiting to trip you up. Can you put a mask on that is completely devoid of guilt? Can you trust that person that you have confided in to fully grasp how delicate the situation is? If there is any text from that friend, it would be , ‘Oh, who’s that?’ “What did she want?” The text would need to be innocent enough to not have anything amiss. Any hint of ‘look after yourself’ ‘we’re always here’ would provoke so many questions.
To tell a friend the truth, you would then need a good hour explaining the rules.. ie, if you need to communicate with me, give me a text like school homework related, and I will take a walk to ‘buy milk’ whereby I can speak freely’.
Do not text me anything, as all messages can be read.
Act completely normal, be friendly.
Do not confide in anyone else.
Do not email.
Do not start speaking on the phone unless I have confirmed I can talk, otherwise I would respond by saying, ‘Oh hi, WE’RE just watching TV, WE’RE making dinner’ and then you would know I was with him.
Do not even refer to a conversation we have had together such as ‘ Ah hope you got it sorted’ if I was with him, as he would lean in close and listen, as speaking about our marriage was just not something that was allowed, and that would need an answer to explain.
Don’t give me anything ‘helpful’, physical like money or a note. Anything that needs hiding could be found.
Don’t even really talk about it in my house as with Amazon's Alexa, some of the settings were available to hear on his mobile. I wasn’t technologically sound enough to know what was possible, all I knew at the time was it didn’t feel safe to talk aside from out of the house.
All these rules, from an outsider's point of view sound RIDICULOUS - I mean ‘why on earth are you living like this? Just leave..come stay at ours now’. You then feel humiliated that this is how you live, and you allow this to happen without doing anything about it.
All that is such a lot to risk. It is much safer to say, ‘Oh, he can be so bossy, he’s such a pain sometimes, but no, everything’s fine’. You try to laugh it off. That’s the sentence done, avoiding all the above, and more importantly the fear that you have ‘betrayed’ him and put yourself at so much risk. You change the conversation quickly as it's a dangerous subject for you, and now you have to convince your friend that you’re happy, that they don’t need to be concerned.
But what about those times at 10% when you know after a particularly bad episode that you need to leave, you dream of leaving, but you just don’t know how. I feel this you can liken to the “Silver Chair’ by CS Lewis. In the book there is a tiny window when you have the truth, when a lost prince remembers who he is, and his enchantment is over.
At those points I had some people in mind. I wanted to call an old friend as I knew she had no ties with my husband. Then I would think how odd to suddenly call someone after 2/3 years and divulge that. I thought about phoning the Domestic Abuse number, but felt so worried they would think I was being dramatic - I am not covered in bruises, my arms not hanging off. I couldn’t find someone that I felt would be safe to tell.
The other detail is that after confiding in someone they would naturally expect you to leave soon, as the situation you are in is so bizarre, only a senseless person would stay. Then you have their judgment, that you are enduring this voluntarily. At home though, days, weeks may pass, it’s a better patch, you regret saying all the things you have as it honestly sounds overly dramatic. Cue damage control, try to brush it off, ‘ahh we had a really good chat, and things are going to change, and things feel so much better and he even made me a cup of tea,’ You distance yourself slightly from the friend as now it's uncomfortable, you suspect they know the accurate picture, you can’t take it back and now, you have to create an act.
This is how I would have appreciated a friend - coffee, no children. Maybe start by talking about how difficult you find your own partner/sister/ dad. It sets the scene that you have struggles too. Leading up to..
“Would you let me say something, and it may sound completely crazy. You don’t need to say anything to this, but would you just let me say, I care about you very much. There’s sometimes when I feel like you seem a little upset underneath, there’s times when things seem a little unfair for you or stressful for you at home, and you seem a little on pins sometimes with ….… I want you to know, I’m always here for you, to talk to in absolute confidence whenever you like. I won’t mention this again as I know it may sound awkward but I’m here for you, this is a space where you can feel safe, you’re always welcome any time at our house."
This wouldn’t have required from me, at that time, a confirmation or denial. I wouldn’t have the anxious feeling that I had spoken in a way that my husband would have had issues with. I could, if it came out, underplay what was being said, and say ‘ Oh, she just said I seem a bit upset sometimes, and I said it was my job, or I found the children hard work’. That is achievable for me and something I could cope with. Believe me, that is a person who, at last, is a safe person I can go to as they understand and have reassured me about confidence. They suspect things are bad so they won’t think I have made up this crazy lie.
Back to the conversation, I'd let them to digest what you're saying. If they start to open up and conversation allows it may be a good time to suggest phoning the Domestic Abuse hotline together. Knowledge is power and its essential from a practical point of view they know what the process is, what options they have, financial advice and safety advice. They are trained - whereas I am just speaking from my own meandering experience.
All you can do is keep being there. You know, they know, and they can be there for you, as they said, when you are ready. In the meantime the cycle continues of bad at home - worst- almost uncopable - things will change speech- then everything’s rosy.
You simply have to play the slow game and wait for events to unfold till they hit the level you know, is now something they aren’t going to take anymore. The Domestic Abuse hotline is for anyone who needs advice if you feel worried always phone them, they are friendly and understand. Its so frustrating for the people watching on but keeping that support network is the best thing you can do, keeping it breezy and no direct questions about what you know/suspect. Just being a friend. One of my friends, you’ll know who you are, wrote me a Christmas card. I’d been, on paper, a bad friend, but this person was very very insightful and worked in psychology. If I met with her she would know, she would gather things were bad and I stopped being in contact as much with her because of it. She wrote in the card, ‘me and Dave are always here for you.’ It meant so much, and she was one of the first people who I reached out to.
Domestic Abuse - 0808 2000 327
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeandmalr
To further support my family and I there is an option to buy me a coffee. Realistically this means trying to buy a new bed. Me and Amelia my littlest share one and she wakes me often!