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How refuge puts you back together

At refuge one of the lovely things they do is to offer counselling to the children. You know when you meet someone and you feel this person is so so pure and full of love and kindness. The children's worker was that very person - you know who you are M!


To encourage the children to open up, afterwards they let them go into 'the cupboard!' . The cupboard as is named, and it should have an accompaniment of fireworks after you say it, is full of toys. These are donated by perhaps, Rock FM's toys for Christmas Appeal children's It's a magical place and although I'm being glib, its something small but helps the children feel like this unique place they are residing in has little sparks of happiness.


One of my children who will remain anonymous is not naturally a great talker of feelings. He disliked 'wasting his time' Given I've referred to him as a he and I've one boy gives this away. Anyway, he was prepared to have a counselling session for access to the toy cupboard. He had an obsession with Pokemon cards. Suddenly my boy turned into the most loquacious, the most expressive child, ready to open his inner most feelings. His Pokemon collection grew, as did his tolerance too talking to someone. Once he said to me, 'I'm not hungry but I just feel empty'

Out of the mouth of babes.. Heartbreaking.


Refuge staff will also come and knock on your door morning and evening and ask how things are. It didn't feel like a box ticking exercise, it felt like they really cared, and they just 'got it'. One support worker said to me, 'if at times you feel like calling him and going back, that is the exact time you have to come to reception and talk to us'. They held you tight.


Refuge is very inclusive. Every little religious holiday, festival or event it would be celebrated. Diwali, Christmas, Easter. On Valentines Day they gave us a party as they recognised it would be a difficult day. It was a day themed to loving yourself first, with face masks and nail varnish and flowers for us. The staff made us feel so nurtured and we were all in it together in the big lounge. Suddenly it didn't feel like a sad day and it's that thoughtfulness that's so apparent.


Christmas was so heartwarming. They asked the children to come into the lounge where they would pack a box for the Mums for the night before Christmas. They could choose from fluffy socks, face masks, bath bombs. Just the consideration! The children felt happy to be making their Mum a present and we felt that kindness in droves. I also got to pack a box for each of the children for Christmas Eve - pyjamas, chocolates, books. It was as magical as it could be for all of us with no home. Christmas morning came with a bag of presents for them. The staff knew the children and I didn't really need to tell them what they'd like. Whoever donates to charities at Christmas with presents - this is one of the places your gift will appear. Thank you! They laid a huge table and made an enormous Christmas dinner. No one was alone at refuge on Christmas Day, or anyway.


PS I want to add I feel I was blessed with the refuge I was in. I don't want to mislead that all are of the same standard. I remember a friend had a difficult time in one. The kitchen was communal so her food would be taken and sometimes other ladies are challenging. Its a place of high emotions, pots over boil. I do think however that people come into the job because they want to help. Regardless of the refuge itself I think you would always find support from the staff if you choose to take it. My friend didn't come to the course that was the 'hope to change course'. It helped so massively see the abusers behaviour pattern, the red flags. It illuminated things so well to make sure you could recognise and break the cycle as people who've experienced domestic abuse may typically struggle with confusing love and abuse. But she wouldn't come, hence the wider experience of women's refuges ..


If you want to talk to someone call the domestic abuse number 0808 2000 247.




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