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"Why don't you just leave?"


I have to try to remain passive when I have heard this question. I’ve had similar, ‘I’d have just slapped him’. I feel irritated by their lack of wisdom, and happy that they don’t understand why, as they haven’t experienced it - all at the same time.


The reason it doesn’t seem an option to leave is a mix -the yearning to experience the person you met in the beginning, when you had such loving declarations, you felt so loved, nurtured and cocooned in an intense little magical world. This was before any control issues become uncomfortable, when any hints of controlling behaviour were because ‘he cares so much, he wants to protect me, he wants to keep me so safe because I mean the world to him’


Little by little scraps of control and stronger opinions form. For me it was wanting to know exactly what conversations were happening with my ex husband, but this was because I "was gullible” and he wanted to make sure I didn’t get taken advantage of.

When I saw friends there was a lot of texts, a lot of interruptions in general from him. He begun to plant seeds regarding my family, criticisms, and it began to be a little difficult to see them, because ‘ we haven’t seen each other all week, let’s go tomorrow instead’ etc. When we did go, he would give me a look that meant ‘lets go’ and we would leave far earlier then I would have done.

When they phoned, I’d want to naturally leave the room as what I was saying always produced a comment, a remark, such as ‘why are you seeing them tomorrow, you just say them, why did you say that? etc. I then started to feel like I couldn’t really leave the room and the conversation would be monitored and careful. If I took my phone out if I popped to the shops that would provoke a comment to. “Who are you ringing? Can’t you just go for a walk without your phone’

Towards the end, he had my mobile on his account. It meant I frequently ran out of minutes, any requests for more minutes were considered unnecessary, ‘who do you have to talk to for so long?” All this meant communication was slowly more difficult.


This is just a snippet of the type of managing and altering my normal behaviour to accommodate him. It’s a mix of not wanting to explain exactly why you are having to act a certain way because then when you reveal the true extent of the silliness and control, it would be expected that you leave him, and sometimes you aren’t ready to admit to yourself how abusive the marriage is.

I would quite frequently complete quizzes ‘is your relationship toxic’ it would always answer to the extreme of yes. Glaringly obvious yes. I would sit back and think, ‘hum’ I think I must have answered some of these when I was basing it on an argument, or in a biased way because it says I am in an abusive relationship, but I’m not really, I can’t be. He is strong minded, he is not the most empathic person, anything to wriggle out of the truth.

Some days, I wouldn’t be in denial, I would know with clarity I was. The issue is, you have children together, a house. It’s such an upheaval. I’ll try to make some changes, he’s just very very stressed with work. The house is too messy and he can’t relax. I’ll work harder. I offer to make the children tea earlier so he can do his work in the pub, come home to his hot meal when they are in bed, or go to the gym as he works so hard and needs to let off steam. I’ll reorganise the entire house with reward charts to involve the children so that he will feel at peace and things will be back to how they were in the beginning. I’ll research jobs for him so he won’t be as stressed We’ll move house with a smaller mortgage so he can work part time ….because I know how good things can be because I’ve experienced it in the beginning. I was so in love, and so desperate to make it work.


We would go in cycles of things becoming more and more controlling, more and more insults and then I would eventually crack and tell him I have been thinking seriously about leaving him, I have no choice left and I can’t take things anymore. He breaks down, he promises to change. He blames work, he blames stress, everything but himself. The future looks brighter, things seem safe again and I have the snippet of being so in love and content. The pattern repeats though and the hope is lost and I gaze at estate agent windows dreaming of a small cottage where I can relax with my little darlings in peace.


Another reason I am hesitant to leave is I know exactly what I am dealing with, what a force, what a dominant person. I’m concerned I won’t have what it takes, to get the energy to leave. To outsmart him and separate my life. I imagine the life being his enemy will not be something I can battle. I feel very trapped financially, I am in my overdraft. My self employment earnings go into his account. I have no way of paying for rent plus a deposit. I see now, that it would have only solved a small percentage of the problem. Although you can physically leave (if you have enough energy, clarity and confidence which has been knocked for 5 years) It’s mentally leaving that is so difficult. Abusers are so skilled at manipulation, at promises. It takes a will of iron, a team of support workers and a safe place like refuge to begin to start to heal, to educate about these cycles of abuse, time to grieve over the relationship that you hoped you’d have, for the man you thought really loved you, and time to heal and revaluate the insults and the put downs that weren’t true.


As it happens my size eight frame didn’t need more exercise, wearing lipstick didn’t make me look like I was in drag, I wasn’t lazy, I wasn’t slow. I looked nice, dare I say I was pretty. So much became new information to me. It was like stepping into another world, it felt so liberated, so freeing, daunting, I find hearing myself laughing and it takes me by surprise, I haven't heard it for a long time. And it started after a little while when we went to refuge.




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