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Valentines at refuge

The blog been delayed lately.  There are more interactions with him. As always its inferred I don’t do a good job looking after our daughter. What has she eaten today? Have you read with her? Why have you not done her homework? The school are laughing at you… It’s -5 and she will need a hat…etc,   There have been lots of decisions that have meant contact. I am feeling completely lacking in creativity and spark. I feel drained. Our family home will need to be sold and I have no access to it as he has illegally changed the locks. The house looks tired and neglected.  However - on we march and follow the legal process and have to remind myself this will get sorted out eventually.


So, it’s February 14th at refuge. It’s not an easy date. For some, most even, we all know we are so so much better without the men, however at times they gave us some of the affection we craved. Now that was gone and we are alone - which was how I felt at the time.


Never a collection of women to let us feel mopey, they organised a gathering in the big lounge. We were all given face masks, nail varnish, chocolates and we all had a big pamper party with all the staff. Then they’re were lots of affirmations and everyone wrote down something they admired about other round the room. Little lifts - all the time. Reminding us that we were more than we’d been told. I think that’s also why refuge felt safe - you got to know others round the building and celebrate each others wins.


Not to be inaccurate - some women found it harder to socialise partly due to language barriers and partly the abuse they've suffered. They’re was one Mum with 5 daughters, she’s pretty intimidating, she shouts and swears at her girls so harshly it worries me. She complains social services have been on her back again. She sometimes sent her littlest down to see if my flatmate would ‘lend' her a cigarette. Now my flatmate is worried as to how to handle her if she says no. She doesn't need to worry I am there to fend off the very scary Mum with the only weapon I know - politeness and warm smiles. It seems to disarm her and she keeps away. Other time flat mates clashed horribly and had to have intervention meetings. Being such close quarters with another family is challenging. I was finding it harder and harder as month by month more and more baby things filled the flat. I didn’t mind so much - her need was greater then mine but it was very cluttered. I came home one day and her eldest daughter was suddenly going to be living with us. I think at that point it was getting quite intense (time has no meaning and I have skipped back and forth in this blog - my flatmate had had her baby ….just. Very little and early)


So suddenly the small flat was covered in baby clothes drying, bottles, milk, plus her toddler and now her little girl. They are all lovely it’s just the space is getting smaller as is my headspace.

I bless the fact that overcrowding is a thing. We were moved upstairs to our own flat. They have a smaller number of individual flats.  It felt breathable. We didn’t have to be considerate anymore! Hurrah. I then went on a major makeover. You can see its a place of high emotions - where the door handles open onto a wall there’s big dents. Someone from outside of refuge has thrown a chocolate milkshake at the window and it looks grim. Everything looks a little tired with curtains that need some care and taking up.  Refuge staff reluctantly have to hire male tradesmen for electrics/gas etc. They are all CBR cleared and they use the same company and staff. Painting and decorating however is not essential and this is a charity. When the staff have time they do the painting but the women are the priority.  It was so cathartic to get the filler and the paint and give it a makeover. Looked gorgeous all painted white. Took the curtains up and they were a foot too long. Went and got some wallpaper samples and lined a window ledge with a lovely Dorma print. I suppose I wanted to make it a home for us all really badly due to the guilt I felt at the disruption. So me and my daughters share a room and my boy has the other little bedroom. It’s very snug but it feels safe and we fall asleep with the soft glow of fairy lights.



Apologies if there are any spellings. I tried very hard to proof read but they are so sneaky and may have missed some.


If you would like to buy me a coffee to support my little family its much appreciated. My son needs a new school uniform - he is moving schools finding it hard to make friends. More ripples from the abuse. He is very polite - too polite still, this learned behaviour is not 'cool' in high school. He draws all the time and is off in his own world. Moving primary schools and location which my ex wanted, was another upheaval that broke his social circle up. Our relocation is further away from his last primary school so he has no local friends anymore.









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