Like a tropical storm events all swirl to proceed and move me towards a decision. Certain things all happen within a three month period. He has started to be physical in arguments. He pinches me under the table when I say something to the children he dose’t agree with.
It’s not huge punches, he’s not left marks, it’s just enough to know, from any of the domestic abuse campaigns you see that it’s not good, and these things typically escalate.
He catches me crying one day, and I say, (suddenly feeling quite daft) that I was uncomfortable when we argued and he had jabbed my shoulder. This wasn’t the first time.
He also raises his voice and his hands are in my face when things are heated. His reaction confuses me and I find it belittling. It’s a denial, a, “I barely touched you, what a stupid thing to raise, when did I “apparently” do that’. My mind is loosing the conviction, as I know he did, and I didn’t like it, but I’ve no where to go in the argument and feel what I have to say has no value.
It’s such a skill to be able to twist someones thinking so abruptly. I find myself looking at the floor when we argue, I can’t seem to look him in the face anymore, it feels too uncomfortable, too challenging. I don’t know why but on some level I can see it’s odd. I’m just so tired and don’t have the energy any more. If I have to deliver any news that he won’t like, it’s the same. I don’t think it’s heathy, I think in my brain fog.
If you are finding this blog too upsetting, spoiler alert - in about 2 or three blogs things start to get better xxx
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