When someone has obsessive compulsive disorder - they are in such distress unless their own routine is followed. My flatmate in her mind had to complete her vigorous cleansing routine every day. Heavily pregnant or not. This meant, I couldn’t just watch her move the sofas to clean under daily, and I found myself encumbered with this excessive ritual. However, when she went in hospital we then have a glorious 3 days of not intensively cleaning, it was so restful.
My flatmate was recovering in hospital after her c section and her Mum was looking after her toddler. The novelty wore off soon though and she phoned my flat mate day 4 after a c section as she was tired. She had a cold and was experiencing discomfort. Not as much as maybe her daughter, 3/4 days post major surgery, trying desperately to be there for her premature baby, hormones racing, sleepless, while desperately trying to find childcare from no other source. However, as I said her Mum in her 50's had a cold.
Now we have my poor flat mate, post major op. Did I mention her baby was so premature he goes into the extra new baby section. (The name escapes me). Now, it’s only the parents who can see their extra new baby. The staff don’t want a 18 month old crawling playing with the wires in incubators and she can’t see her extra new baby without a babysitter for her toddler. It's heartbreaking to see the situation as a new Mum who can't see their newborn. I find it strange social services can't help, or rather there's nothing in place for women in this situation. Did I mention I’m nice? This meant I acquired an extra child, taking her 18 month old with my own three children whilst she visited her extra new baby, taking her back and forth. Bear in mind without the help she needs to get taxi's five or six days after the section and the costs would soon mount up. Eyebrows are raised back in my little village as to the “true” reason I had to leave the family home so swiftly. They’re probably even more rumours now as to why I suddenly was without toddler two weeks later.
It was a very stressful time. I had taken on my flatmates issues and problems whilst juggling my own three children. I found it so hard to be firm as I could see this awful practical position she was in, but I had to focus also on my own children who had all suddenly gone through this huge change who weren’t having the attention they needed. The staff have to have firm barriers and it's very much independent living. They are a support but need to ensure they aren’t so much of a crutch when you’re in the real world you won’t fall apart. It was very difficult to manage the situation.
The small flat we were in was now covered with baby monitors, baby milk, bottles, nappies and even more washing took place which would always be in the small lounge. She could hardly walk, but needed prescriptions collecting, from pharmacy and the hospital.
I just had to escape one day and we went to Coniston in the lakes and we spent the whole day swimming. It was almost ethereal, so cleansing. It was spiritual and the calmness washed over us. I feel ashamed of myself that I couldn’t sustain a friendship with my flatmate. I couldn’t control the level of attention and need she had. I couldn’t be firm with her enough to say I have my own problems and simply cannot take on yours at this point. A conventional mum would struggle with 4 children under 10, but she, she has such challenges.
She then has typical scathing looks from other people or Mums who have a BMW, farrow and ball painted hallways, earl grey tea, eggs where the yolks are deep yellow, and so much childcare and they don’t know her story, or how they are so advantaged in comparison. Being at Refuge was an education.