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Did I ever tell you how we met?

Leaving physically is a long way from leaving mentally. You are still very vunrable and it was much easier that I had a black and white situation where I knew my older children could not live with him, so it was go back and loose them, or carry on. It’s amazing the emotions. All that you begin to learn on coercive control, and it’s like refuge staff have a direct insight into my marriage. It’s textbook, did I tell you how we met? It was online, and being single was not something I had ever experienced. I had been married and together with the same man for 15 years. The children were little and I suppose the pressure of having young children began to be difficult for him. He found an outlet in another women and an affair started which was a complete shock. Nothing could have amazed me more due to his past feelings on the subject. Anyway, I decided I didn’t want to be with someone who could hurt me so deeply and I ended it.

With hindsight.. what I needed was some time to heal. What I didn’t need was to meet someone after 4 months who was exactly the wrong person for me, at the perfect time for him.


I remember on our first date, it was an incredibly good date. I had very strong feelings for him early on. He was so charismatic, so funny and his confidence was so high. I remember him saying on our first date, that I wouldn’t have to go looking anymore as I’d found him. We had the most intense little bubble. It was magical, I was completely in love, as was he. Friends and family seemed to grow less and less prominent. I was struggling to be the mother I needed to be because he was all consuming.


We went abroad together and again, the most magical holiday I have ever been on. Life was amazing, everything was full colour like a instagram filter. I remember at one point he got sunburnt during the start of the holiday. He was cross with me that I had been careless and overlooked this. Apparently there's a buddy system - everyone knows about it.. but I hadn't travelled the world and wasn't aware, I felt so inconsiderate after he had raised it for not noticing . On reflexion, to me now I wasn't inconsiderate. The sunburn was his fault but when you're in that relationship your mindset begins to be different and a little warped.


Were there no bigger red flags though Emily? ..Yes, dear reader there were - bright crimson red flags. The pace at which our relationship shot off was so fast. Very early on, he would say that I was gullible that he was helping me deal with my ex husband to make sure I wasn’t taken advantage of. Honestly - it felt nurturing at that point. He then would ask word for word how any conversations had gone - but it was just a little amusing how much he liked me and how a little jealous he got at that point. At one point he knew the pick up time when my children were leaving to go to their dads. I'd leave a little time so there was no crossover. Imagine when I opened the door and they both stood there. He had arrived early to instigate seeing him. He then would come to solicitor appointments to help me understand everything with the divorce. He wanted to pick me up from odd night outs. Looking back, I was very capable of managing everything but, again it felt simply supportive and I began to feel I would miss something without him as he was so clever, as I had been lead to believe.


Like an octopus he seemed to quickly be involved in every corner - yet it was one way. I felt no need to ‘help’ him in the same ways. He was so confident that I began to feel that this man was the most capable, confident man in the UK. I felt like if he had entered BBC's 'The Apprentice" he would have absolutely won it. I felt I was so lucky he had picked me, given that I am ‘apt to be gullible'.. and the list of things I was not apt at being soon began to grow. The children were so lucky to have him, indeed where would they be if I hadn’t had him to help raise them? In my mind I couldn't match his charisma, his confidence, the children would have been damp squibs without him to bring them all these skills and values - my confidence in every way was starting to slowly crack.


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