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HE found out

I was always dreading the day my ex would come across my blog. I was worried about the backlash, the gas lighting, the anger. There was always the feeling that any day this massive eruption would happen and it would be unmanageable - I would not cope. I had so wanted to feel heard, I’d never been able to voice how he had made me/us feel. He’d never understood the misery and I thought - at last he will understand the effect he has had on all of us.


So the unmanageable happened, he cronfronted me as he had read it. I was surprised it was actually manageable. It’s like most of the power he had has faded. Any thoughts of reflection and regret he might have had were soon gone however. He was angry and accusatory - he questioned why I’d want to write it all, but my responses were were cast aside as they always had been. I found my voice enough to say it was wrong what happened, how I’d never get those 5 years back, how I wanted my children to read it so that they would never have to deal with an abuser. He was dismissive, he argued there were two sides to every story, how he’d never get those five years back.  He had no reply when I said, there wasn’t a word of a lie written there. Ahh, it was tense, and disappointing. I wanted him so deeply to say he was sorry. How he had no idea the depth of pain he was causing, to have some real remorse. People with these characteristics have not got the humility or empathy to reflect. Their arrogance and self importance overrides. It's disappointing because as decent caring people it’s incomprehensible to feel no remorse when presented with factual accounts of their behaviour. Accounts that come from head teachers, children workers, support staff and professional counsellors telling me “Emily, this feeling is real”  telling me I was exactly where I needed to be in refuge. There was one time soon after I left when he said sorry. This wasn’t a hand clasping, eyes filling with tears, ‘I’m sorry’. This was a casual sorry like he’d forgotten to buy milk. An after thought said with a smile which held no weight because the casual nature of it told me it held no weight with him.  What saves your mental energy is to disengage with people like this in these moments.


What drains caring, loving people, gives other people with narcissistic traits fuel. I’ve seen it so many times when we sat in restaurants for example - frequently complaining because to him it was empowering to watch make people crumble, feel tense, and act awkwardly as a result of it. We were in Pizza Express once. He complained at the portion size of the set menu to a waitress. I really admired her. She stood up to him in a professional but icy cold tone, with no apology  - as she shouldn’t have because she wasn’t being treated with respect and as usual the meal was absolutely fine.  I felt so stressed for her, but she didn’t back down with his ‘complaint’ that really wasn’t a complaint. He took contentment from controlling everything on every level. It used to embarrass me  I remember his phone calls. Usually when you are ringing people you answer straight away when the other person picks up. My ex would curiously wait about 2-3 seconds because he liked to hear them fluster from the awkward silence, which would make me feel sort of flustered, because the person is waiting and will think your not there. Then he’d start speaking. Everything was controlled. Looking back now, I see why my energy stores are not worth feeding this fire for narcissistic people. I write about these little habits I experienced because it's quite likely someone else reading this is currently trying to navigate narcissism. I want you  to know that you aren’t alone and I want you to start to let the picture build and the truth to find you.  Sometimes it's disconcerting, other times it's empowering. Dr. Ramani Durvasula has a podcast that makes sense out of much of the behaviour I’d encountered, in a way nothing else had. Go and google her - it’s been so useful from a healing perspective for me to listen.  I found a fable that I find useful for keeping a good headspace and not getting consumed by love and life in general. When you read it - I don’t mean to sound so derogatory  - I want it to sound like you can never reason with these sort of people so don’t engage.


 The donkey said to the Tiger, “The grass is blue.”The Tiger replied, “No, the grass is green.”The discussion heated up and the two decided to go before the Lion, King of the jungle.The donkey began to shout, “Your highness, is it true that the grass is blue?”The lion replied, “If you believe that the grass is blue than yes, the grass is blue.” The donkey continued, “The tiger disagrees with me and is annoying, please punish him”The King declared, “The Tiger shall be punished to one week of silence”The donkey trotted away happily.  The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he left he asked, “Your majesty, you know the grass is green, why have you punished me.?The King said, “The grass is indeed green”, so the Tiger asked again, “so why are you punishing me?”The King said, “this has nothing to do with whether the grass is green or blue. The punishment is because it is not logical for a wise animal like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and waste my time too. The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about the truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions” 



I’ve got to a point now where my ex is blocked completely on every level. I have a neutral go between person who passes on odd messages or emergencies. It’s the result of having had all of the messages I used to get, draining me, upsetting me, criticising me, angering me. It’s frequently the accusations that I’m not parenting well or properly. I’d often get friends to read them and tell me if they were true, did I need to address any of the points he was raising? And so often it would be a no, it’s just blind criticisms. It’s been very helpful to not have the contact long term - these people are literally toxic, giving stomach pains, IBS, headaches. Block them out. 


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